Fanfic: Movie Mayhem (The Odd Couple Series 3/7)

[smokingmirror]

Title: Movie Mayhem (A Tragedy In Three Acts)
Series: The Odd Couple 3/7
Author: Avarice
Rating: PG
Pairing: Angel/Spike
Spoilers: -
Summary: Spike annoys Angel at the movies.
Word Count: 3366
Date First Posted: 2000
Date Revised - 12-05-2011
Beta: -
Awards: In Dreams Featured Story
Notes: Based on some possibly factual accounts of going to see one of the X-Men movies. Maybe.
Feedback: always welcome, as is constructive criticism.

Act One - The Foyer

(Angel and Spike enter the foyer of the small movie theatre, already arguing)

SPIKE: No, you are not picking the movie!

ANGEL: Why not?

SPIKE: Because I don't trust you.

ANGEL: (snorts) Feeling's mutual.

SPIKE: I mean it, Angel! Knowing you as well as I unfortunately do, you'll pick some weepy, broody love story where the hero spends his entire life moping over some dozy blond bint with a severe attitude problem and a tendency to try and beat up sexy, peroxided undead men because she feels threatened.

ANGEL: (narrows his eyes) I'll choose not to read too deeply into that...

SPIKE: (grins) Good for you. Either that, or sappy romantic comedy garbage.

ANGEL: For your information, I don't watch romantic comedies...

SPIKE: (raises one eyebrow)

ANGEL: ...much..

SPIKE: That's better.

ANGEL: (in an imperious tone) I happen to like mysteries, suspense films-

SPIKE: -and movies about puppies trying to find their way home across America.

ANGEL: (snorts) says the man who saw 'Milo and Otis' three times?

SPIKE: Hey! Dru dragged me to that, I had no say. At least I had fun contemplating how many puppies and kitties snuffed it before they got the scene right? Besides, it wasn't all bad...

ANGEL: Howso?

SPIKE: She got bored with the bloody animals five minutes into it-

ANGEL: She lasted a full five minutes? (whistles) I'm impressed.

SPIKE: Anyway... she got bored, we spent the rest of the movie snogging in the back row, then we killed the usher on the way out.

ANGEL: What fond memories you must have.

SPIKE: (sighs wistfully) Oh yeah...

ANGEL: (walks up to the booth and buys tickets, handing one to Spike)

SPIKE: (looking at the ticket stub, grumbling) This isn't what I wanted to
see...

ANGEL: Tough. There aren't any movies about sociopathic serial killers who have bad dye jobs, one outfit, and can't bite people by virtue of the little piece of technology in their heads, so they come to live with their sire who is fast tiring of their behaviour.

SPIKE: (grins) About time you learnt what decaf was, pet.

ANGEL: I'm not agitated... (unclenches and reclenches his fist) we're going to have a lovely night. Aren't we? (Looks around to find he's talking to noone)

SPIKE: (yells from the candy bar) Oi! Stop talking to your imaginary friend and get your dead arse over here! It's important.

ANGEL: (strolls over) What?

SPIKE: (shoves a packet of Jaffas into Angel's hands) Buy me these.

ANGEL: (looks down curiously) What the hell are they?

SPIKE: Jaffas. (rolls eyes) What?

ANGEL: That doesn't explain what they are...

SPIKE: (annoyed) Jaffas are a type of sweet. Chocolate covered in a red candy shell in the shape of a ball. Anything else you'd like to know? I'm sure I could tell you the chemical ingredients if you were really interested.

ANGEL: Well actually...(trails off, smirking)

SPIKE: (mumbles) Anal pillock... (shoves another packet into Angel's hands)

ANGEL: You must really like these things.

SPIKE: What Jaffas? No, not really.

ANGEL: (sighing, knowing he's asking a stupid question) Then why am-

SPIKE: Because they're not for eating. Well, a few are, but the rest are ammo.

ANGEL: (eyes widening) Spike...

SPIKE: Yes?

ANGEL: (rubbing his eyes wearily) Nothing.

SPIKE: Don't interrupt my shopping. (wanders through the store picking up and discarding various confectioneries. Angel trails sombrely)

ANGEL: Why couldn't we have gotten these before we got here? We must've passed about three candy stores on the way.

SPIKE: Cinema lollies are different. Now shuddup.

ANGEL: How?

SPIKE: The ingredients are different. Make's 'em taste nicer. Now shuddup.

ANGEL: But-

SPIKE: (testily) Can't stop gas-bagging for five minutes, can you? Choosing cinema lollies is a bloody fine art. It's no good forgetting something and racing back out -- it's just not done. You get it right first time, or you don't get 'em at all. Now shuddup and buy me these (thrusts a packet of snakes into Angel's hands)

ANGEL: (unable to stay silent for long) Are we actually going to go into the movie? All the good seats will be gone.

SPIKE: Keep your hair on, Peaches, I'm sure the seat in the back row at the corner with the least light and secluded from most of the audience won't be taken yet...

ANGEL: (pouting slightly) Better not be...

SPIKE: (rolls eyes) Don't fret, pet. You'll get your grope in the dark.

ANGEL: (mumbling) I'd better...

ANGEL: (looks at his outstretched arms filling quickly with sweets) You don't need anymore.

SPIKE: Blasphemer!

ANGEL: (smiles apologetically at the counter attendant and glares at Spike) Voice down...

SPIKE: (looks at Angel's crotch) Zipper up! Can you at least wait ‘til we're in the dark?

ANGEL: (looks down and faintly blushes) I thought you did that back up.
(tries to reach his fly with an armful of goodies)

SPIKE: (grins lecherously) Need a hand, mate?

ANGEL: (jiggles his foot nervously) Just hurry up.

SPIKE: (sidles over to Angel slowly, grinning like a Cheshire cat) Ooer, you are rather anxious to get into the dark aren't you? Well the jiggling won't help it... down boy, down.

ANGEL: (glares) Just get it over with.

SPIKE: (looks faux-shocked) What? Here, in front of all these people? I didn't know you had it in you... Well you will soon. Bend over, luv.

ANGEL: (growls) Spiiiike...

SPIKE: Yes, pops?

ANGEL: (sighs) Nevermind.

SPIKE: (smiles at Angel with a look on his face vaguely resembling innocence and begins to walk away) 'Kay, so you don't want me to conceal your tackle, then?

ANGEL: Spike.

SPIKE: Alright, alright... (zips up the pants) don't see why I bother... they're gonna be undone in five minutes again anyway...

ANGEL: (sighs in relief) Are you done here?

SPIKE: Ummm.... lemme think, popsicle... that's it!! Icecream! (dashes back to get icecream)

ANGEL: (stacks the junk on the counter and gives a small smile to the girl behind the counter)

SPIKE: (calls from the back) Peppermint or strawberry, Peaches?

ANGEL: What flavour...what flavour.. (calls out) how about sire-fearing childe?

SPIKE: Ummm...they don't have tha-...oh shut up, mincing toss!

ANGEL: (chuckles) Get your ass over here. We're gonna miss the coming attractions.

SPIKE: (walks out mumbling) I'll make you come... stupid wanker... fuckin' mince... kebab... shitsu tonka... (reaches Angel and puts ice creams down) Happy?

ANGEL: (solemnly) I'm never happy. (pays for the junk)

SPIKE: (glares at Angel witheringly) Chick-aboom-ba... Angel: 1, His hair: Nil

ANGEL: You really aren't aiming to get laid tonight, are you?

SPIKE: (gropes Angel) Wanna bet?

ANGEL: (yelps and glares, pointing to the ticket-ripper with his elbow) In. Now.

SPIKE: (puts arm around Angel's waist and says in a camp voice) Oh I do love it when you're demanding, sweet-cheeks.

ANGEL: (emits a sound that's a cross between a growl and a purr) Jackass.

SPIKE: (says loud enough for the entire foyer to hear) Oooh, how sweet, you're first pet name for me. I do think I might blush.

ANGEL: (almost blushes himself as the ticket-ripper smirks) Come on. (Hoists Spike up by his collar and tries to drag him into the theatre)

SPIKE: (wriggles out of his grip and grins at ticket-ripper) Oh my, what strong hands you have.

ANGEL: (mumbles) All the better to strange you with, my drear.

SPIKE: And kinky... what a catch I've landed...

ANGEL: ('accidentally' steps on Spike's foot) Whoops, your feet were moving so fast in their rapid departure from here, I just didn't see them.

SPIKE: Don't get jealous now, luv. Doesn't matter who I bend over a tombstone, I'll still shag you in the morning. (bounces to the doors)

ANGEL: (raises an eyebrow) really?

SPIKE: Yep! After all (raises his voice loud enough for everyone to hear) what's eight seconds to a bloke who's over a hundred?

ANGEL: (drops his head in mortification as people stare as he trudges after Spike)

Act Two - The Previews

ANGEL: (gets inside the cinema and scans the empty seats) See? We didn't get here quick enough and someone has taken my favourite seat (pouts)

SPIKE: Fine. I'll just have to feel you up out in the open.

ANGEL: (hits Spike as a few people look up quizzically) Voice. Down. I don't think those teenagers heard you in the front row...

SPIKE: So what? They can watch if they like, although if they interrupt they'll have to answer to me...(gets smacked again) Ow! Childe Abuse! Childe Abuse!

ANGEL: (groans and collapses into a seat, under the weight of Spike's junk food and tries to get comfortable) Were you dropped on your head as a fledgling?

SPIKE: Only repeatedly onto yours... (leers) ...again... and again... and again... over and over... sweating like a pig... oh god.

ANGEL: (covers his face in exasperation) Oh god.

SPIKE: If you wanted your grope, now's your chance. (pants heavily)

ANGEL: (smacks Spike upside the head) I never get tired of doing that.

SPIKE: Pillock. (grabs the packet of snakes from Angel's lap) I do like the idea of having to go into your lap to get stuff to eat... kinda makes the $50 you spent on this garbage worthwhile...

ANGEL: (scowls darkly) That's coming outta your allowance.

SPIKE: (gasp) No, Dad! If you take that away, I'll never be able to afford to take Peggy Sue to the drive-in and shag her senseless!

ANGEL: You're such a hambone...

SPIKE: (raises voice) Do you mean bone as in hard? Stiff? (puts Angel's hand in his lap and drops his voice to a whisper) Completely... rigid?

ANGEL: (squeezes Spike's thigh painfully) Able to be broken?

SPIKE: (pouts) Spoilsport.

ANGEL: (shifts uncomfortably in his seat)

SPIKE: What's your problem, pet?

ANGEL: (grimaces) I think I sat in something... (partially sits up and moans) oh crap I did! Now my ass is all sticky..

SPIKE: Wasn't me! (laughs maniacally)

ANGEL: (glares and goes back to the ads, wearing an uncomfortable expression. Spike eats his lollies noisily)

SPIKE: I don't know why they bother playing these stupid things, it's not like anyone who's got a bloody life is actually interested in any products advertised here.

ANGEL: (looks up) Huh? Sorry, was watching the screen... did you know that it's cheaper to get a patio now in winter, than it is in summer? (Spike stops eating and scrutinises Angel) What?

SPIKE: Sorry. Just trying to imagine you with a personality. (Looks at the screen and screams in horror) AUUUGH!!!

ANGEL: (half gets up and looks for the threat) What? What?!

SPIKE: (grabs the front of Angel's shirt) Fantasia 2000... all those dancing animals... it's just wrong!

ANGEL: I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

SPIKE: But there were hippos!!

ANGEL: (shrugs)

SPIKE: (vehemently) In tutus!!

ANGEL: (pats Spike's hand) There, there.

SPIKE: Oh sod off.

ANGEL: Don't you worry a hair on your bleached head. I'm here to protect you from singing and dancing animated animals that do ballet.

SPIKE: Did you just discover satire?

ANGEL: But I'm sure you can bite cartoons... they're technically not alive...

SPIKE: (gasps) And irony!

ANGEL: Except perhaps for Pinocchio. He is a real live boy, after all.

SPIKE: Your still waiting for that to happen to you, aren't you, Peaches? Must be, 'cuz all I'm seeing right now is the little wooden acting boy.

ANGEL: Wasn't he The Tick's sidekick?

SPIKE: Na. That was Arthur, the moth bloke.

ANGEL: Oh. What about the talking dog?

SPIKE: Yeah, he was around somewhere... you actually remind me a lot of Die Fledermaus..

ANGEL: (rolls eyes) Why, because you think I'm a coward?

SPIKE: No, because you look good in tights. (Angel blushes faintly. Spike grins and nudges him with his elbow) Come on, you know you do!

ANGEL: (puts a hand on Spike's neck and lowers his voice) Spiiike...

SPIKE: (licks his lips) Yes, luv?

ANGEL: Your ice cream has melted in my lap and is currently trickling down my leg...

SPIKE: (looks down into Angel's lap) Cream your shorts already, Peaches? (laughs loudly) Wow, don't have much staying power do you?

ANGEL: (growls menacingly) I'm going to hurt you.

SPIKE: Promises, promises. Hush now, the movie's about to start.

ANGEL: (tries in vain to clean his $200 trousers with a napkin) This isn't a movie theatre, this is Hell with bad 70's curtains.

SPIKE: You should know. Now shuddup, it's starting.

Act Three - The Feature

(Spike's eyes are glued to the screen as he noisily shoves junk into his mouth. Angel is more concerned with his damp and now stained trousers)

ANGEL: (murmurs) Two hundred dollars...

SPIKE: (pats Angel's thigh) Don't fret too much. It's not like they were your favourite pair or anything...

ANGEL: (protests) They were!

SPIKE: Well, it's not like you don't have another soddin' pair of black trousers at home-

ANGEL: (in a raised voice) They're not black! (lowers his voice when people tell him to 'shh') They're charcoal.

SPIKE: Have I mentioned before that you're anal? If not, you bloody well are.

ANGEL: Actually, you have ment-

SPIKE: Argh! Shut up! (glares at people who hiss at him) Oh make me. (turns back to Angel) Just. Watch. The. Movie.

ANGEL: (sotto) You shouldn't be so loud, you know.

SPIKE: (glares witheringly at Angel) How about this? I'll try and be nicer if you try and be smarter.

ANGEL: Well you don't have to be sarcastic about it...

SPIKE: I'm sorry, Peaches, but that's my nature! (turns around viciously to the people shushing him. Spike bites his thumb rudely) So's your mother!

ANGEL: Where on earth did you pick up that expression?

SPIKE: Rikki Lake. (gets up out of his chair) Did you hear that?

ANGEL: No, I wasn't listening-

SPIKE: (points to someone across the aisle who shushed him) That dickhead just told me to bite him! (gets a wicked grin) Since you asked so nicely...

ANGEL: (grabs Spike's arm and yanks him back down into the chair.) Settle down.

SPIKE: Do I look like a people person?!

ANGEL: (sotto) You look like a childe about to be submerged in a holy water bath.

SPIKE: (curses and fold his arms crossly) You're such a killjoy.

ANGEL: We're going to sit here. We're going to have a nice time. Then we're going to-

SPIKE: -shag like bunnies?

ANGEL: Only if you sit still now.

SPIKE: That's not fair!

ANGEL: That's unlife.

SPIKE: I hate you.

ANGEL: (smirks) I know. (Spike and Angel both become immersed in the movie. A little red dot appears on the screen)

SPIKE: Oi!

ANGEL: What is it?

SPIKE: Those twits down the front have a fucking laser pointer! (growls)

ANGEL: (confused) A what?

SPIKE: See that red thing on the screen that keeps disappearing up the bald paraplegic's nose?

ANGEL: Ahh...

SPIKE: (to kids in the front) Turn that bloody thing off before I decide to use that damn light to sort through your intestines after I rip 'em from your bodies!

ANGEL: (slides down into his chair) Spike...

SPIKE: What? I don't deserve to watch the crap you drag me into without thinking there's a sniper up on the balcony targeting the chit with white hair? Although... (Spike contemplates this for a moment) I can actually enjoy the movie better now thinking that... (settles down with an evil grin on his face)

ANGEL: You would drive a saint to throttle himself.

SPIKE: Shame you're still working towards your canonisation then, innit?

ANGEL: Just watch the movie, Spike.

SPIKE: How many helpless kittens do you have to save from trees until you (airquote) 'atone'?

ANGEL: I don't know... how many times you willing to get stuck up there?

SPIKE: Oh very amusing. (looks at the screen) Speaking of kittens...

ANGEL: What?

SPIKE: That bloke. (points to the screen)

ANGEL: (confused) What does Wolverine have to do with kittens?

SPIKE: Well, he looks like he's had two stapled to the side of his face...

ANGEL: Not a big fan of the sideburns, eh?

SPIKE: They went outta fashion with day-glo moonboots and jackets with fringe (grabs his packet of Jaffas)

ANGEL: (with trepidation) ...what are you doing?

SPIKE: (opening the packet) I know I can't even point fake guns at people without this fucking chip going off in my head... I wonder... will hurling a Jaffa set it off?

ANGEL: Will it be hurled with intent to maim?

SPIKE: There's no other way to throw Jaffas.

ANGEL: My bet is yes, then.

SPIKE: A bet then, eh? What's in it for me?

ANGEL: I'll do whatever you ask if I lose.

SPIKE: And if I lose?

ANGEL: You do what I want.

SPIKE: (thinking things over) Deal.

ANGEL: What's your target?

SPIKE: Oh, I was thinking those smartarse kids in the front.

ANGEL: I thought you liked them.

SPIKE: You think I like you, and you're mistaken there.

ANGEL: Fair enough (gestures) do it.

SPIKE: (raises an eyebrow) You're gonna just... let me?

ANGEL: Why not?

SPIKE: Well it just might irritate a mortal... you know, those gutless things that are leading you around by the bollocks these days?

ANGEL: I thought that was you.

SPIKE: (grins) Na, I lead you around by the bollocks at nighttime.

ANGEL: Ahhh..

SPIKE: (expectantly) So?

ANGEL: So what?

SPIKE: No taking of the moral highground? No 'you soulless brute for throwing a bit of chocolate and candy at an innocent, pimply-faced teenager'?

ANGEL: Nope. Look, you'd better do it soon before you lose your nerve-

SPIKE: (incredulous) Me?!

ANGEL: -and I win the bet.

SPIKE: You'd like to think so...

ANGEL: Then do it.

SPIKE: Alright! Bitch, bitch, bitch... (pegs the Jaffa at the teenagers, and yelps as the implant is activated)

ANGEL: (smirks triumphantly) I believe I won.

SPIKE: (rubbing his temples) Soddin' pricks... (yells at no-one in particular) It was a bloody Jaffa!!

ANGEL: Calm down, we're gonna be thrown out.

SPIKE: You have a few synapses fried and then see if you can keep your voice down.

ANGEL: Bitch, bitch, bitch...

SPIKE: (gets hit with a lolly thrown by the teenagers) Hey! (grabs a Jaffa then thinks twice) Fuckin' hell... I can't even throw it...

ANGEL: Should have thought of that before. (Spike looks at Angel expectantly) What?

SPIKE: Aren't you going to avenge me? (Angel snorts rudely) Oh come on! Mr 'Spike's a helpless kitten', Mr 'I'm a superhero who fights for truth, justice and the lowering of the retail price of leathergoods' -- do something!

ANGEL: Why should I get involved?

SPIKE: Because... uh... I asked you nicely?

ANGEL: Try again.

SPIKE: 'Cuz you're my sire and it's your job?

ANGEL: (snorts again)

SPIKE: (bats his eyes) Please?

ANGEL: (caves miserably and grabs a Jaffa)

SPIKE: (grins) Okay, aim for the tallish one two from the end... steady as she goes... your aim is too high.

ANGEL: (irritated) Shall I do this or would you like a few more brain cells over-easy?

SPIKE: Fine, fine... (Angel throws a Jaffa and conks one of the kids right in the head) Bullseye!!

ANGEL: (tries to hide his smile) That wasn't very nice...

SPIKE: You're right, but it was extremely funny! (Spike and Angel both cock their heads to the side as the teenagers let a barrage of insults fly. Spike opens his mouth to answer, but is stopped by Angel)

ANGEL: Here, let me handle this. (morphs into vamp face and grins with a fang-filled mouth to the adolescents) So's your mother.

SPIKE: (laughs heartily as they jump over each other to exit, and bows to the other patrons applauding their timely departure) Where on earth did you pick up that expression?

ANGEL: (shrugs) Some guy. Now about the bet...

SPIKE: What bet? (pause) Oh... the bet. (looks slightly dubious) What d'you want me to do?

ANGEL: (flummoxed) Well... I hadn't really thought about it. (thinks for a moment) wanna make out?

SPIKE: Okay. (they share a heated kiss before Angel breaks away)

ANGEL: You're a terrible kisser.

SPIKE: Angel?

ANGEL: Yeah?

SPIKE: (grins) So's your mother.

(Angel's eyes widen and he crushes his lips to Spike's once more. The rest of the movie passes by without incident)

~finis