Fanfic: To Err Is Human (1/1)

[smokingmirror]

Title: To Err Is Human
Author: Avarice
Rating:
Pairing: Angel/Spike
Spoilers: Amends
Summary: Angel feels bad about his treatment of Spike during s2.
Word Count: 444
Date First Posted: 2000
Date Revised - 13-05-2011
Beta: -
Awards: -
Notes: Eh.
Feedback: always welcome, as is constructive criticism.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to hurt you. You were supposed to be invincible, impervious to pain. I'm the fallible one.

And yet I did so much damage... You know how sometimes you don't know your own strength? You know how sometimes it feels like you've taken a backseat in your mind and the ugly side of you is given reign over your mouth, your body? Ever feel like someone else is wearing your skin, while you can only watch?

Why did you let me slip under your carefully constructed walls? How coul.d someone like me worm their way through your defenses? You said it jokingly... 'I've been hurt, you know..' but I know it's true. Why did you bring yourself to love me, when in the end it only caused you pain... I caused you pain?

You were my boy, Will. My first Childe. That meant something to me. Fuck, it still does. Only now, I don't mean that much to you. And I think that's what hurts more than anything. Sure, I don't expect to be forgiven after putting you through Hell...

... and believe me, I know what that's like...

... but to look at your face and not see anger or sadness or even vengeance but denial... that's what hurts. Like a sword through the heart...

... and believe me, I know what that's like, too...

I've caused hurt to so many, but I've never been more remorseful than when I hurt you. Blinded by vengeance and a destructive urge, I set about trying to eviscerate anything and anyone that made me feel human.

You made me feel the most human of all.

You made me feel alive.

And in that, I am thankful, even though it ended badly. Your passion and strength kept me going in times long past, and I know I've wronged you, but I hope perhaps one day, in the distant future, you look at me and don't see the messenger of your grief, but a fond remembrance of what once was.

I have to forgive myself before I can even contemplate seeing that in your eyes.

It wasn't supposed to be like this, but it is. I just feel grateful I can still talk to you, see you, even if it is strained.

Nothing changes the fact that you were First.

Nothing changes the fact that a part of me will always belong to you, like a part of you will always belong to me.

My Childe.

My boy.

My Spike.

~finis