Fanfic: Dukes Of Hazard (1/1)

[smokingmirror]

Title: Dukes Of Hazard
Author: Avarice
Rating: PG
Pairing: Fox/Collin
Spoilers: 'Foxman' strips in BMB
Summary: A day in the life of our favourite sexy superhero.
Word Count: 2511
Date First Posted: 05-06-2003
Date Revised: 26-05-2011
Beta: Tink.
Awards: -
Notes: I'm really proud of this one, I think it hits the right buttons for action and humour. The Foxman and His Mind Kills strips in BMB were some of my favourites of the latter part of the comic. I even remember helping colour the strip that was the Foxman comic book cover (and I marked it down to 99c -- bargain!).
Feedback: always welcome, as is constructive criticism.
Also Archived At: LJ

Foxman cursed as his side mirror snapped off when he veered too close to a lamppost at high speed. This was to be expected. After all, this was a high-speed car chase with the arch-villain and his own personal nemesis, the wickedly criminal His Mind Kills.

The Fox Mobile shuddered violently as one of the front wheels dipped into a pothole on the road. He swore colourfully again and snuck a quick glance out the window at His Mind Kills' shiny black and silver vehicle. The windows were tinted so heavily he could only just make out the vague outline of the driver.

That's all the looking he could afford, he needed his eyes on the road. It was narrow enough for normal traffic, let alone two custom made specials overtaking each other and driving side by side at dangerous speeds.

The chase had started when a loud klaxon sounded in the Foxden's control room. It was so loud that Foxman, otherwise known as Fox Maharassa, freelance reporter, woke abruptly and fell out of his command station chair. It was just as well, as one of the feet he had been resting on the console had been dangerously close to setting off the sprinkler system.

It was the alarm connected to the First National Bank's vault. It had been positively ages since there'd been a decent attempted bank heist. Fox whooped with excitement and immediately began stripping off the outer layer of his clothing.

Underneath he was clad in skintight red spandex and white sewn-up Y fronts. A stylised 'FM' logo was emblazoned in white across his chest. He slowed down his mad dash to get ready to carefully safety pin his white, flowing cape to his shoulders. He didn't want to jab himself. With the finishing touches of a white eye mask and fluffy red and white fox ears, Foxman was ready for action.

The superhero headed straight for his garage and leapt into the Fox Mobile. His best friend/faithful ward/shagtoy/housemate had gone out to get some groceries (and lime jello if he was feeling particularly generous), so there was no one to tell that he was leaving.

The Fox Mobile was truly an impressive vehicle. It was a deep red 2-door old style dragster with 16 large shiny chrome cylinders in the back. It made a hell of a noise when he gunned the engine, and gouts of flame were known to burst out of the back, which was just how he liked it. The doors themselves were outfitted from a Delorean and lifted up instead of opening out.

Foxman tore through the streets and into the centre of town. When he got to the bank, it was quite obvious to him who was responsible for setting off the alarm.

His Mind Kills, the most powerful and influential criminal in town, strolled out of the bank, casually carrying a few hundred thousand in his arms. He was nonplussed at the arrival of the superhero that leapt out of the Fox Mobile to confront him.

His Mind Kills' eyes gleamed behind the large goggles, and his mouth turned up in a superior smirk. With a flick of his free wrist, a small remote control landed in his palm. A button-press later, and the crook's sleek and high tech black and silver roadster started up automatically.

Its large doors opened, and with nary the witty banter he'd come to expect, the villain threw the money into his car and with a swish of the 70's style coat, jumped in and drove away. Foxman blinked slowly once, caught flatfooted. He turned and jumped back into his car -- hampered by the unusual doors -- and gave chase.

Which was where he was now; racing down the road at breakneck speeds, trying to corner the bank robber. That task was easier said than done, however. His Mind Kills had many more tricks up his sleeve, and what was worse; he had two sleeves.

But Foxman was up to the challenge. After all, what was the point of having a nemesis if he was a pushover?

He was, however, willing to reconsider that view as he lost his other mirror to a mailbox. His Mind Kills was really pushing it today. The roadster began pulling away from Fox. Fox accelerated, but still lagged behind slightly.

The roadster in front began spewing black smoke like a squid did ink, making it harder for the hero to see and keep track of. Foxman flipped a switch on his dashboard and little propellers over the headlights whirred to life, dispersing the smoke screen.

But in the few seconds it took for the fans to be effective, His Mind Kills' roadster had gained almost half a car length of road between them.

The dance with the city traffic was getting more dangerous. Rocks flew up and showered the Fox Mobile's windshield. Horns sounded as people honked at the speeding cars, and pedestrians dove for safety.

Fox gritted his teeth, hands gripping the steering wheel. The Fox Mobile fishtailed as he hit a patch of oil on the road. His Mind Kills' car gained even more ground between them. It was time to get some help.

Fox jabbed the console to the right of his steering wheel, and a phone began ringing. He just hoped his friend would be home by now.

***

Back at Fox's home, the phone started ringing. It trilled four times, before a small red light at the base of the phone lit up, and diverted the call.

***

The same sort of small red light showed up on the dashboard of His Mind Kills' roadster, accompanied by a ringing alert. The criminal mastermind glanced at it before touching the sensor pad beside it to answer the phone.

"Maharassa residence," he said in a bland voice.

"Collin, hi!" Fox narrowly avoided a woman and her stroller who had picked a very inopportune time to attempt to cross the road. "When did you get back from the store?"

"About ten minutes ago. I saw the Mobile tear out. Is everything alright?"

"As a matter of fact," Fox bit out as he drove up onto some pavers, "I need some help. I'm sort of in the middle of a high speed chase with His Mind Kills."

Collin took a sharp left turn, grunting audibly as his car skidded. Foxman's car, while behind, was still hot on his tail.

"What was that noise?" Fox got out before he took the same turn, gritting his teeth.

"Nothing," Collin replied, putting his foot on the pedal to the floor.

Collin had grunted heavily, and Fox could only think of one possible explanation.

"Did I call while you were jerking off?"

The young man also known as His Mind Kills rolled his eyes and looked in the rear view mirror at his best friend's car in hot pursuit. It was as good an excuse as any.

"Yeah, I'm jerking off... Fox, watch out for the curb!" Collin yelled the warning automatically as the Mobile swung out too wide. Foxman's reflexes were quick enough to escape with only a small scrape on the tires.

"How did you know that?" Fox demanded, his vehicle back under control.

"I'm watching the car chase on tv. There are news choppers."

Fox couldn't help grinning, even in the dangerous situation. "You're watching my car chase on tv and jerking off?"

"Yes," Collin lied succinctly, causing road-workers to scatter as he ploughed straight through one of their useless barriers.

"Cool," Fox replied, gaining some ground on His Mind Kills' speeding car, driving over the flattened barriers.

Collin narrowed his eyes as he studied the streets they were traveling on. They'd managed to get down a one-way street, and it was about to get a whole lot more difficult. "Listen to me carefully, Fox," Collin said quickly but calmly. "You're coming up to a T-intersection. There doesn't seem to be enough room for you both to go the same way. His Mind Kills is furthest right. I'd say he'd turn right. You can't make the turn. Go left and around the block, you can catch up to him on the Boulevard."

Fox nodded, half-listening. The road seemed to be getting rougher, and the Mobile had already taken a lot of punishment. Add to that the fact that Fox hadn't had time to get it fixed after his last high-speed car chase on Tuesday, and his car was doing it rough.

They were closing on the intersection fast.

"Fox, did you hear me?" Collin said, a note of impatience creeping into his voice.

"Yeah, yeah, turn left," he said, spinning the wheel. The nose of the Fox Mobile veered right and hit the back of His Mind Kills' roadster.

"No, no, your other left!" Collin barked, trying to get his car under control.

They reached the intersection. Collin took the right corner with some difficulty, but got it. Fox was indeed forced to go left, but the collisions had taken their toll on his control of the vehicle.

He was turning, but also drifting across lanes and looked as though he was going to park messily in the foyer of the Second National Bank. The hero slammed his foot down on the brakes. The wheels -- including the steering -- locked up and the Mobile jack-knifed. The dragster skidded out of control, rubber squealing.

Collin looked up at his rear view mirror and saw Foxman's car skid before coming to a bone-crunching and sudden halt courtesy of a fire hydrant. A geyser of water shot twenty feet into the air and began raining down on the car.

"Fox!" he yelled, straightening his car before slowing down to normal speeds. "Answer me." Collin was torn between driving back and driving away to complete his escape.

Just as he was about to hit the anchors and turn around, Collin heard a muffled groan. "Fox?"

"Yeah," came the slow reply.

Fox rubbed his chest where he'd been thrown into the steering column none too gently. The waterfall from the hydrant obscured his vision of the damage, both to the Mobile and the street.

"Are you hurt?" Collin maintained a frighteningly calm voice, though his heart thudded painfully in his chest.

Fox looked down and conducted a quick bodily examination. He had a number of bruises and lacerations, but nothing too serious. He also checked his dick. It was safe and unharmed.

"I'm ok," Fox said as he moved his legs and winced, "but I think it's time I installed seatbelts."

Collin shook his head in relief. "I'll call a tow truck. If you're sure you don't need a doctor, hitch a ride with them, and we'll take care of everything when you get back."

Fox opened the Mobile's door up and watched the water bucket down like a summer thunderstorm. He sighed like a burst tire, or maybe it was just that his sigh was muffled by the actual back tire bursting. "Ok."

"I'll meet you out front when you get back." Collin disconnected the phone and accelerated, driving towards home and his hideout. Honestly, being best friends with your natural enemy was sometimes trying.

***

Collin beat Fox and the tow truck easily. He had plenty of time to change out of his trademark His Mind Kills outfit -- which really just consisted of taking his pair of goggles off -- and stashed the money in a safe place.

Foxman was a truly miserable sight when he got home. Collin watched him get out of the cab of the truck. His cape was wet and dirty, he looked tired and bruised and down.

Collin paid the large and overly hairy tow truck driver to leave the battered Fox Mobile in the driveway. The blond ushered his best friend inside. Fox pulled his mask and ears off as he walked in, leaving them in his wake. He tried to unpin his cape, but fingers fumbled. Collin gently took over, deftly removing the smudged fabric. Once it was gone, Fox peeled the spandex down to bare his chest and flopped on the couch, and his best friend sat next to him.

"I'll call the panel-beater and your engineer tomorrow, see if they can't fix the Mobile as soon as possible," the blond commented.

"I messed up," Fox said in response, his eyes downcast.

"No you didn't," Collin assured him.

"I did," Fox argued. "I only let the biggest crim in town joyride out with a few hundred thou, and all I have to show for it is a few dozen bruises and a mangled car."

"It wasn't a joyride, Fox. It was a dangerous chase."

"Which ended with my ignominious defeat. I didn't get the money back. I didn't even get close."

"'Ignominious'? Was that in your word of the day calendar?" Fox failed to laugh at the joke, or even look up. Collin cleared his throat and continued. "I bet His Mind Kills is damned relieved he got away."

"Not exactly helping, Collin."

"Hear me out. You were close. The fans with the smoke screen? Great. And swerving and hitting his car? Deadly and foolhardy, but effective. You had him on the run, Fox. And he knows it. He's lucky he got away at all with you chasing him."

Fox looked up; hope shining through his aura of depression and slumped shoulders. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Collin climbed into his friend's lap and wrapped his arms around the avenger's neck. "Think of all the other times you've been successful, too. Against other crooks, or even sometimes getting the better of His Mind Kills. It's impossible to win them all, but you try, and that's important.

"You're a hero. But most of all, you're my hero, Foxman," he finished his short but impassioned speech with an equally impassioned kiss. Fox returned it, hands moving around Collin's waist. The kiss broke, and Collin stayed close to nuzzle Fox's cheek.

"Besides, you're going to foil his plots next time," he said.

"You think?" Fox asked, leaning into Collin.

"I'm absolutely positive," the blond answered confidently.

Fox nodded, and shifted in slight pain. Collin rubbed the smooth, dark chest softly with the palm of his hand. "How do you feel?"

"Pretty crappy," Fox admitted.

"How would you feel if I made you jello and served it to you in bed?"

A small smile curved Fox's lips. "A lot better," he answered.

"Good. Because that's what's going to happen."

He got out of Fox's lap and held hands out, palm up. Fox took them, and with a slightly aggrieved grunt, stood with Collin's assistance. They walked up the stairs slowly.

"You know what... I think we need?" Foxman struggled to get out as they climbed.

"An elevator to the top floor?" Collin supported Fox's back as best he could.

"Yeah... how did you know I was thinking that?"

"I'm your best friend. And secretly a criminal mastermind," Collin said in a deadpan voice.

Fox laughed. "Yeah, good one, Collin," he grinned, "now what about that jello?"

 

~finis