Fanfic: Where Would I Be? (Internal Dialogue Series 7/7)

[smokingmirror]

Title: Where Would I Be?
Series: Internal Dialogue 7/7
Author: Avarice
Rating: R
Pairing: Spike/Drusilla
Spoilers: Lover's Walk.
Summary: Spike thinks about his failure to win Dru back.
Word Count: 585
Date First Posted: -
Date Revised - 11-05-2011
Beta: -
Awards: -
Notes: Lyrics from Where Would I Be? by Cake. Spike POV.
Feedback: always welcome, as is constructive criticism.

I've been waiting
For so long
I've been hoping
Your love's not gone
***

I don't believe it. I just don't.

I found you. Living the vampire high-life in Buenos Aires, surrounded by minions and flunkies.

I found you, I beat you, I hurt you until you screamed.

Just like you wanted, baby.

I kicked you, I punched you, I hurled abuse until my voice left me.

You really don't want me back. After all we've done, after everything we've been through...

It's not enough.

More specifically, I'm not enough.

Not demon enough.

***
Houses are sliding
In the mud
Rivers are raging
In your blood
***

Your tantrums were always tiresome. They were childish and loud and you stomped and pouted petulantly, tossing your dark ringlets around like a little girl.

I would have wished for any tantrum.

I wished for anything.

But not nothing.

Never nothing.

You stood, your eyes cold and surprisingly clear. You weren't my mad, bad princess.

You were a stranger.

And you told me you didn't want me.

***
Where would I be
Without your love
Where would I be
Without your arms
Around me
***

I scoffed at first. At first it only made me try harder.

I whipped you, I chained you, I cut your pretty skin.

Weaned on pain by our sire, you took it all, and then some. It didn't bother you. You knew how to play the game.

And so did I.

The fucker broke you. Shattered your mind, fragmented it beyond all hope of repair. And in that, you came to adore him unconditionally.

And here I was, trying to recreate what I considered to be the crowning moment of our creator's stupidity.

***
You were to be
The only one
If I knew you
I would not run
***

It hurt.

Christ on a mountain, it tore a gaping cavity in my chest to do it. I wept blood tears -- crying myself into a restless, dreamless sleep each morning, after every session I had with you.

I never wanted to hurt you.

I always treated you like a delicate flower.

I never looked at another creature, be it male, female, human, demon, unidentifiable.... with the exception of our sire, but you knew too well the draw that man had. He was like a shot in the arm.

For you.

For me.

For us.

Not demon enough.

***
You have been cloudy
Distant, but dark
I'm thinking of Noah
And the Ark
***

You knew how to play the game.

Daddy broke the rules when he won a free soul.

He betrayed you.

Of course, like the two good Catholics you were, when he came back to the fold, he repented and was absolved of all previous indiscretions.

So he set about making amends.

I broke the rules.

I betrayed you.

I betrayed you and Daddy to the Slayer.

I've never been Catholic, and you know it.

***
Where would I be
Without your love
Where would I be
Without your arms
Around me
***

I betrayed you.

I wasn't doing anything for us in your eyes.

I wasn't showing how much you meant to me, how I would risk my very existence for us to be happy, to keep you safe.

It was betrayal, pure and simple.

It did nothing to prove my literally undying love.

It 'changed' me.

Not demon enough.

I wasn't half the demon I was supposed to be.

I most definitely wasn't the demon you fell in love with.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever was.

***
Where would I be
Without your love
Where would I be
Without your arms
Around me
***

~finis